Identity Crisis with Pixal Borg
by evelinaonline
Summary: Talking about your identity to a friend? Sure. Pixal never really understood genders anyway.


**Ninjago Pride Week 2019 is finally here!**

**If I'm being honest, I'm winging it as I go, which is quite ironic, considering _I_ wrote the prompts. Regardless, here is Day One (24/6), the prompt being "Questioning".**

**Honestly, I like this a lot more than I expected. Tell me guys what you think! Happy pride!**

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Pixal rarely had time for herself anymore.

Weirdly enough, she didn't mind.

She never knew what to do when she wasn't occupied with missions or processing data for Mr. Borg. She didn't know what she liked, she didn't know how to have fun independently. She always counted on Zane and the others for that. Tagging along their plans.

Pixal hated not having stuff to do. It didn't matter what, but she always needed something to work on, to keep her head going, because if she wasn't focused on calculations, her thoughts would run elsewhere, questioning everything, questioning her feelings, _herself_-

She hated her thoughts.

They were the one thing she didn't want to uncover, the one thing that terrified her.

What _was _she?

What was she really, beyond her metallic skin, her silver hair, her artificial voice, beyond her code? What made her the girl everyone thought she was? Pixal didn't like to think about it. She really didn't know if she was what everyone else thought.

At first, she figured it was because she was an android, and feelings were new to her, but the more she processed it the more she realised there was something else going on. Something _wrong._

Usually when she was with the others, she managed to suppress these thoughts. One thing Pixal was certain of, after all, was that she truly enjoyed herself when she was with her friends.

But not today.

They were at the Bounty, and Nya was practicing some new hairstyles on her. Pixal found it amusing how Kai was the one that had taught her how to do her hair. Nya was getting better and better, but her braids were no match to her brother's.

Pixal wasn't able to focus on Nya's rambling. The more she looked at the mirror in front of her, the more she thought about herself, and these thoughts started taking over her again, and she just wanted them to _stop-_

"I don't feel like a girl."

Pixal didn't have many regrets, but that blurt of words was definitely one of them.

"Really?" Nya asked, sighing as she put the brush down. "Want me to move the braid towards the front? Maybe then it'll be more visible."

Nya started undoing the silver braid at the side of Pixal's head. The way her fingers ran through her hair was comforting. Encouraging, even. Pixal sighed, taking in as much air as possible, even though she didn't need it.

"That is not what I meant."

"Oh?" Nya said, brushing Pixal's now-unbraided hair. "Then what's wrong?"

"It's not the hair," Pixal said, "it's me."

Nya stopped working on her hair at that, and sat at the chair next to her. "Are you alright, Pix?" she asked, putting a hand on hers.

Pixal found herself looking from their hands to Nya and to their hands again. "I do not know."

She really didn't know.

"Do you want to try talking about it? I won't judge you, it's okay to tell me."

Pixal knew that already of course, but it still felt unfair to bother Nya with an error. That was all it is. A mistake. Pixal was just confused.

But she talked anyway.

"I have been thinking about it for a while, and I have come to realise that I do not…" Pixal paused for a while, and felt Nya squeeze her hand. "I just don't believe the term _female _represents who I am," she finally settled on a phrasing. "It feels wrong."

"Okay," Nya nodded. "What do you think you are?"

"I do not feel like a guy either," Pixal was quick to add. "I suppose it's something… Else."

Pixal felt so ignorant. She never had trouble stating facts, so why was expressing her feelings so difficult?

"So nonbinary or something?" Nya asked. "Maybe genderfluid?"

Pixal had thought of these terms before. Genderfluid looked right at first glance, she never really felt like she had a _gender_, so that was out of the picture. And while nonbinary described the way she was feeling, Pixal was too afraid to put a label on herself.

"I did try using other pronouns in my head," Pixal finally admitted. "None of them feel… Me." Pixal sighed again. "It's frustrating. I do not know what _me _is, yet I know what it _isn't_. What is _wrong _with me?"

"Hey, nothing is wrong with you."

Pixal looked up at Nya; she was looking at her with nothing but care in her eyes, the warmth of her smile lightening the atmosphere.

"You don't have to change your pronouns to identify as nonbinary, though," Nya explained. "Honestly, you don't even need a label at all. It's literally all a social construct."

"You think?" Pixal asked, feeling the tiniest bit of hope. She cleared her throat, realising how careless she must have sounded. "I mean, is that true?"

Nya chuckled. "For a walking computer, you really can be oblivious sometimes."

"I am not a computer," Pixal corrected. "And I am not oblivious."

"I know," Nya said, squeezing her hand again. "Only a little."

Pixal shook her head, and her eyes fell on the mirror once more. Strangely, she didn't feel ashamed of her reflection this time.

Maybe there wasn't an error in her code after all.


End file.
